Romantic cholesterol

Romantic Cholesterol

Ladies, hold on to your hats because I’m going to write something that I think will cause many women to flip their lids…

"I think romance is bad for us!"

What?????? Didn’t I just write that we were made to yearn for romance? Well, yes. So, let me say, I think fictional romance can be bad for us. What??? Many of you are clutching your favorite book or movie to your chest right now and saying, "This lady’s cracked"! I know, I know, I love a good romantic story as well as any of you!

In fact, I well remember being little and watching the TV version of, "Little House on the Prairie", when Almanzo finally made his appearance on the show. I would giggle so hard and hide my head in a blanket! I was young enough to be completely embarrassed, but gosh darn it…I loved it! My two favorite novels of all time are "Pride and Prejudice" and "Jane Eyre", what’s more romantic than those two stories? And, I love a good romantic movie. Did any of you see, "The Lake House"? Sweet story and very romantic. There's an old black and white movie called, "The More the Merrier" that I adore and is totally romantic! Who has the Masterpiece Theatre version of P&P, starring Colin Firth and …that English girl, memorized? I do! So, yes, we love romance. I love romance! But, just like I love chocolate mousse royale ice cream, it’s not necessarily good for me!

What am I getting at? Well, fictional romance could be like romantic cholesterol for our woman’s heart just like ice cream contains real cholesterol for our real heart. Not bad in and of itself, but get too much of it and healthy pathways begin to get clogged. If those arteries are already beginning to get clogged, it doesn’t take much more to complete the job! We yearn for romance, we love it, it’s so fun to watch and read, and better yet to be a part of it. But, fiction is fiction…it’s not real! Even watching Laura Ingalls and Almanzo Wilder fall for each other, was fiction. The writers toyed with the true details to make it more fun to watch on TV. And, it was fun! But has anyone out there ever been single and trying to find a Mr. Darcy to sweep them off their feet? Or looked around for a tortured soul like Edward Rochester so they could break through and heal his heart like Jane Eyre did? There’s no such think as a Mr. Darcy; Jane Austen made him up. And, tortured souls like Edward Rochester’s don’t usually thaw well in reality. But soak yourself in fictional romance for too long, and that’s what you’ll want in true life. Only, true life isn’t fiction and real men aren’t Tarzan. (They tend to wear more clothes.)

I find that romantic novels and romantic movies appeal to me most when I’m struggling with my own self image, or when, perhaps, I’m struggling with my husband, or daily life. Their appeal is strongest when I'm feeling unappreciated, when things are a bit foggy or cloudy, not daisies and sunshine. I am drawn to their escapism. The danger in that is that the fiction presented can work in a weakened or saddened heart and we start to compare our lives to the lives of the heroines, our husbands to the heroes, our peck on the cheek to their longing gazes and wind-swept embraces. Fiction can make us highly dissatisfied with our present reality and that’s dangerous.
Feeling down about yourself? Don’t read a book about a heroine who’s the sunshine of life, lovely and perfect and perfectly appealing. In "A Tale of Two Cities" Lucie is referred to as "The Golden Thread". I’m pretty sure no one would ever refer to me in that heroic of a manner. Lovely, compassionate, the golden thread tying their lives together. Hmm, yep, probably not me! Two men in love with her and one going to the guillotine to protect her. Gaspingly romantic...thank goodness not me!!!!

Has your husband recently fought any duels to win you? Has he had to climb any tall towers, preferably fiery flaming towers, to rescue you, or forged any raging rivers with you clasped tightly in his arms? Yeah, probably not! The last time you cooked dinner together was there an orchestra playing some ravishingly beautiful music in the background that caused you to abandon the fricassee and dance lovingly across the living room in an impromptu waltz...or tango? Have you and he lately exchanged any stirring and longing glances across a crowded room only to be swept away from each other by a maddeningly large crowd? I just can’t remember the last time any of that happened to us. But, I do remember last week when I nearly cut off the tip of my little finger and my husband scoured the cabinets for the last remaining Band-Aid that hadn’t fallen prey to make-believe toddler owies. I remember he took over bedtime so I could go lay down with my aching and bleeding finger wrapped in a kitchen towel.

In chapter 49 of "Emma" Mr. Knightly tells Emma, "I have blamed you, and lectured you, and you have borne is as no other woman in England would have borne it." What have I borne, lately, for the sake of my husband? I recently told him, very calmly on the outside but quite snappish on the inside, that he only paid attention to me lately when he was angry with me. Not exactly true. Not to mention that I'm sure there are plenty of women, in England and elsewhere, who would have found a much gentler and kinder way to simply tell their husband that they wanted to spend a little time with him. Not quite the picture of a ravishing romantic heroine. I didn’t even have a ribbon in my hair!

Yes, romance is wonderful. But, we should look hard to find the little places in true life where it sometimes hides. And if we’re having trouble wanting to be the blushing damsel for the heroic accountant, teacher, or carpenter who walks in the door every evening, we really should be careful about filling our minds too full of the fiction which we so often believe should be our daily lives. In "The Last of the Mohicans" Hawkeye tells Cora, "You be strong, you survive…No matter how long it takes, no matter how far, I will find you" and then jumps through a waterfall. My husband doesn’t have to look too hard to find me; I’m usually in the kitchen. And sometimes I’m cooking the oatmeal, which is much better for our cholesterol than the Gianduia Cheesecake that I’m actually dying to make. Maybe tonight, after he’s leapt through the waterfalls of boring meetings and rush hour traffic and after I’ve attempted and failed to scale the towers of laundry and clutter, we can sit down together and indulge in a little bit of quiet together time and chocolate ice cream. I love that time of day. Roll credits…play musical score…don’t step on the popcorn…and don’t wake the baby! Aren't we living our happily ever after? Remember, that always comes after the romance.

Women and Romance

Women and Romance

Why does the heart of a woman long for romance? I believe that God made our hearts that way. In the 5th chapter of Ephesians men are commanded to love their wives and wives are commanded to respect or revere their husbands. People sometimes question that passage, "Do women not need to love their husbands and do husbands not need to respect their wives?" I don’t think it works that way. As a friend recently pointed out to me, men need respect and women need love, yet those are not the attributes that the other gender is automatically equipped to give. Men don’t tend to automatically show love in the way a woman’s heart yearns for and women don’t tend to recognize the importance that their man regularly feels their respect and admiration. When this insight was shared with me, it was like a lantern had come on. Women are commanded to respect and men are commanded to love because that doesn’t generally come naturally to them in a relationship. Of course, how could I have missed that insight? Because, I’m just not that insightful!

It seems like a bit of a conundrum but in a Christ-centered marriage, hopefully, the proper balance can be obtained. It just doesn’t hurt for each spouse to be daily aware of their husband or wife’s heart-needs. How would my husband walk on air if I daily reminded myself that he needs to know that I respect him as a man, that I regard him as our family’s hero? How would my heart flutter and rose petals fall from the sky if daily my husband reminded me that I was the apple of his eye, that I am the sweetest and cutest woman in his world and that he longs for me? Because we are human, it doesn’t always happen. But, because Christ is in our marriage, hopefully it will happen often enough to buoy us through our life together.

When Christ is able to break through the shell of selfishness and sin that can so easily surround my heart, I will remember to pray for my husband, I will remember to care for his needs and I will remember not to worry about whether or not it’s reciprocated. If I care for my husband the way Christ wants me to, it will be reciprocated in a way I could not fathom and I will not have to nag, or cajole, or "tell" God to make sure my husband knows what I need! How can I be so short sighted as to feel the need to "tell" God what I need in the same manner that I might "tell" my children to behave and to finish their chores!

There are, of course, stumbling blocks even in the most Christ-like marriages. So often we think our marriage should be perfect. Doesn’t everyone else’s Christian marriage seem perfect? Yep, because we don’t talk about it. I’m not saying we should talk about it openly. But, if a very special close friend shared, every once in a while, that their present reality is falling short of their wedding day expectations wouldn’t it be refreshing!
Sometimes it’s good to know that we’re normal if we hit a dry spell in our marriage fantasy. Does it seem like everyone else is having a fair- tale-like union, but lately your marriage has been a collage of day to day mundane tasks and the most intimate conversation shared has been about indigestion? You know what, that’s ok! It does not mean that your marriage and your love life are doomed! If you were close enough to all those seemingly perfect couples to know the truth, you’d know they have the same thoughts and trials. All I need to know, sometimes, is that I’m ok, my husband’s ok. No details necessary, but our bad days are normal.

Sometimes daily life is boring. Sometimes we talk to our preschoolers more than we talk to our spouse. Sometimes greeting our husband at the door with a smile seems more of a feat than hiking to Timbuktu or even just taking the time to find it on a map. That’s ok, as long as you listen to Christ in your heart and realize this spouse He gave you is the most precious gift He’s given you since Calvary. And it’s ok, as long as the day comes when you remind each other of that fact. This week may be the most boring, mundane, chore filled week since your honeymoon, but Christ will lead you back to each other. The best way to begin that journey is to take the first step towards that spouse of yours and tell them first that you think the world of them. Not always easy, but it will feel so good for you and for them! And then, stand back with that vase handy, because rose petals may just start to fall from the sky!

THERE'S A FRUIT LOOP IN MY HEATING VENT

Do you ever have a day when you suddenly stop in your tracks and realize that you have become that person? That person that you told yourself you would never become? It’s a little startling when you realize it, but life does that sometimes; stops us in our tracks and holds up a mirror that shows us parts of ourselves that we haven’t yet acknowledged. Wow, it can be traumatic!
I always told myself I wouldn’t be one of those people who:

*Have enough crumbs, old french-fries, and jellybeans on the floor of their car to sustain a small rodent for several days.
*Leaves their shopping cart in the middle of the store parking lot instead of carefully returning it properly to the corral.
*Browses library book shelves and then leaves the books on a table instead of properly re-shelving them.

It’s not that I’m a terribly orderly, neat, or fastidious person at home - far from it. However, out and about, I strove hard to tow the line, follow the rules, keep things in their proper place. And now, I leave that cart by the side of the car, grit my teeth, and drive away. The residual guilt lingers, but it’s not hardy enough for me to take the time to run that cart back to the store. Why?

Because I’m a mom. I’m a mom of two young children. I’m a mom of two young children who is drowning in disorganization. I am inexorably, unreformably disorganized and scattered. And the 30 seconds that it would take me to return unwanted groceries to their proper aisle or library books to their proper shelves is just beyond me! It’s sad, it’s ridiculous, it’s true.

The other day I walked by the heating vent in my hallway, looked down and saw that a green froot loop had been carefully dropped through the opening and was precariously close to falling into the abyss of the duct. I saw this, and walked right on by. There’s a froot loop in my heating vent and I cannot take the time to stop and fish it out. Why? Because taking the few seconds to do that would mean I would have to stoop, put down the laundry basket I’m carrying, fish out the froot loop, get distracted and walk away to help someone with something else. Two weeks later that laundry basket would still be sitting there. You think I’m kidding? I’m not. And so, there’s a froot loop in my heating vent, and I walk right by.

There are worse things: but sometimes it’s hard to remember that.

Jan. ‘08